The Boyfriend Incident

I awoke early this morning and wandered into the kitchen. The sun was shining ever so brightly through the window, I watched as blue birds danced with monarch butterflies on the windowsill, prancing to and fro in the morning dew. Suddenly, dark clouds appeared out of nowhere, converging in front of the sun, eliminating any ray of light that dared to pierce through to the ground below. Dark and ominous shadows cast themselves over the landscape.

A murder of crows flew in, ate the butterflies, and threw up what appeared to be west coast migration gang signs causing the blue birds to retreat back into their three story french riviera style bird mansion that I had built earlier this year. As I watched these events unfold, I thought to myself, "Perhaps, I should just stay in bed today." As it would turn out I was correct, because soon after started...

THE BOYFRIEND INCIDENT

After witnessing the blue birds displacement and butterfly massacre, I walked back towards my bedroom. When by chance, I just happened to hear my two oldest girls giggling in their bedroom. Never one to pass up a good opportunity to scare the living daylights out of my children, I snuck up to the door. Except the only person to receive a fright would be me. As I eased closer to the door I heard the one word every father fears even more than the proctologist.

Boyfriend...

I burst into the room and involuntarily yelled, “Who do I have to kill!?!” I realized I may have shown my hand to soon, so I quickly rephrased my statement. “I mean...who’s got a boyfriend? What’s his name, age, address, and blood type?” Maddie (grasping the weight of the situation) quickly feigned death in the middle of the floor. Kylie responded, “I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s Maddie who has the boyfriend!” Maddie retorted so quickly that the sound barrier could hardly keep up. “Nuh uh, it’s Kylie, he’s her boyfriend!” Kylie returned, “No!” “I just talk to him on the bleachers at school.”After hearing this, I understood it was time to tell Kylie what every red blooded father tells his daughter when confronted with this situation. I said, “Kylie it’s time I told you.”

“You’re an alien and kissing a boy can kill you.”

“What?” she replied in disbelief, “Daddy, don’t be silly.”

So, I explained how her mother and I were out driving one night, when suddenly, a small spacecraft landed in a potato field next to us. How we opened the craft and found a baby girl inside and decided to raise her as our own. That her real name was No-boy and she hailed from a planet located in the Celibacy galaxy called Nunnery.

She of course seemed skeptical of the story. That is, until I produced the alien rule book that I had retrieved from the craft. {A note to all fathers, if you’re going to use this excuse, it’s best to write the alien manual before hand} “See! Right here!" "A single touch from any member of the male species can cause instant paralysis and even death.” Her eyes widened. I said, “You’re just lucky your Daddy caught this in time. Who knows what could have happened if you had let him get close enough to kiss you.” Then I explained that the alien rule book was a secret and that she could never let anyone know that she’s an alien for the sake of humanity. Then I returned to my room feeling confident that the crisis had been averted. 

Wait a sec...

My wife is yelling for me.

It also appears she is with my daughter and they are...

uh oh...yep. They’re looking at the rule book.

I have to sneak out the window real quick, so until next time...

Stay safe and good luck out there.

Chocolate Cassidy

      Today came the realization that our second youngest is going to be either a pro wrestler or a kung fu master. There I was sitting innocently on the bed watching Tom Hanks dance his way into America's heart on a giant keyboard, when suddenly a small hand grabbed me from behind. The pinpoint accuracy of the infantile fingers(which had nails that had been gnawed into points for maximum damage capacity) cut straight through my beard applying pressure to several points of my chin, causing me to throw my head immediately backwards into the pillow. I then heard a gnarling high pitched voice from behind say one word..."KISS"....I glanced upward to see something moving out of the shadows. It was a mouth half covered in saliva and chocolate and it was coming towards me at an accelerated rate of speed. An immediate wave of pride and terror swept over my body. Pride at the overall effectiveness of the take down and terror at what was about to befall me. I reached out, grasping for anything that might help me to stave off the impending doom that was moving ever closer. As luck would have it, a pink elephant toy was just inches away from my fingertips. Stretching with all my might I was able to retrieve the elephant and place him directly between me and the coming onslaught of the chocolate nightmare. Pinky the elephant took the brunt of the blow, his insides squeaking in horror, but he bought me enough time to collect the wipes from the nightstand and neutralize the situation. Today he goes into the wash, but tomorrow he emerges...a hero.

The Nature of Girls

The Nature of Girls

Ever notice the eternal need for some females to be the best at everything? Some girls always have to be right, always have to win the fight, always have to be the prettiest, the loudest, etc.... Before I had children, I always thought this was something that was taught...or an insane mental disposition. I thought this way, because I never thought I was one of THOSE creatures. How wrong I was. Having a house full of girls has shown me I passed on a lot more of these traits than I would care to admit. Sometimes they're obvious, but sometimes they show themselves in different ways.

For Example:

1. Bragging: comes naturally.

2. Hair: is in fact the first appendage in the line of fire of a physical confrontation. 

3. Tears: can be used to garner influence and power(or to make Mommy do things she doesn't want to do).

4. Clothes: are forever possessions of the first warm body that they come in contact with.

5. Drooling: is always done"on purpose", because they just like their hair that way.

6. Bugs: "I'm not scared of it, I just feel like running right now."

7. Vigilance: When it takes 20 minutes to explain the sequence of events that lead up to what we didn’t do today, your lack of interest is not an option.

8. Loudness: is equal to correctness.