The Boyfriend Incident

I awoke early this morning and wandered into the kitchen. The sun was shining ever so brightly through the window, I watched as blue birds danced with monarch butterflies on the windowsill, prancing to and fro in the morning dew. Suddenly, dark clouds appeared out of nowhere, converging in front of the sun, eliminating any ray of light that dared to pierce through to the ground below. Dark and ominous shadows cast themselves over the landscape.

A murder of crows flew in, ate the butterflies, and threw up what appeared to be west coast migration gang signs causing the blue birds to retreat back into their three story french riviera style bird mansion that I had built earlier this year. As I watched these events unfold, I thought to myself, "Perhaps, I should just stay in bed today." As it would turn out I was correct, because soon after started...

THE BOYFRIEND INCIDENT

After witnessing the blue birds displacement and butterfly massacre, I walked back towards my bedroom. When by chance, I just happened to hear my two oldest girls giggling in their bedroom. Never one to pass up a good opportunity to scare the living daylights out of my children, I snuck up to the door. Except the only person to receive a fright would be me. As I eased closer to the door I heard the one word every father fears even more than the proctologist.

Boyfriend...

I burst into the room and involuntarily yelled, “Who do I have to kill!?!” I realized I may have shown my hand to soon, so I quickly rephrased my statement. “I mean...who’s got a boyfriend? What’s his name, age, address, and blood type?” Maddie (grasping the weight of the situation) quickly feigned death in the middle of the floor. Kylie responded, “I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s Maddie who has the boyfriend!” Maddie retorted so quickly that the sound barrier could hardly keep up. “Nuh uh, it’s Kylie, he’s her boyfriend!” Kylie returned, “No!” “I just talk to him on the bleachers at school.”After hearing this, I understood it was time to tell Kylie what every red blooded father tells his daughter when confronted with this situation. I said, “Kylie it’s time I told you.”

“You’re an alien and kissing a boy can kill you.”

“What?” she replied in disbelief, “Daddy, don’t be silly.”

So, I explained how her mother and I were out driving one night, when suddenly, a small spacecraft landed in a potato field next to us. How we opened the craft and found a baby girl inside and decided to raise her as our own. That her real name was No-boy and she hailed from a planet located in the Celibacy galaxy called Nunnery.

She of course seemed skeptical of the story. That is, until I produced the alien rule book that I had retrieved from the craft. {A note to all fathers, if you’re going to use this excuse, it’s best to write the alien manual before hand} “See! Right here!" "A single touch from any member of the male species can cause instant paralysis and even death.” Her eyes widened. I said, “You’re just lucky your Daddy caught this in time. Who knows what could have happened if you had let him get close enough to kiss you.” Then I explained that the alien rule book was a secret and that she could never let anyone know that she’s an alien for the sake of humanity. Then I returned to my room feeling confident that the crisis had been averted. 

Wait a sec...

My wife is yelling for me.

It also appears she is with my daughter and they are...

uh oh...yep. They’re looking at the rule book.

I have to sneak out the window real quick, so until next time...

Stay safe and good luck out there.